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even out

by Esoteric Tapioca

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1.
canfed 02:26
get back up at the bar, get your card and spend head splits, waking up, dawn's gone - it came and went when did heartlessness, headaches become an art the bar scene's leaving me wanting the martyr's part callow, the shedding of cardless decks odds are the gamble is all you'll get dogs called in for the slaughter - the lambs are dead wine falls faster than water - the plans are met cart in all of your mall-fare, the canfed hens kill off all the connections, the wives and friends callow, the shedding of cardless decks odds are the gamble is all you'll get so climb back into your sauna, sir feed-bag mouth you can't see past your erection, beguiled from doubt killed that king on your cloud, yeah the trumpets rust soft, white, spongy - too proud to cut off your crust callow, the shedding of cardless decks odds are the gamble is all you'll get
2.
even out 02:16
being torn apart will make me harder than you are but it's no use you'll do what you're gonna do and holidays will make you matter as you age but there's a truth and it's right outside your view then there's the rain that only falls when you're away and it's so cold it feels colder when you're old and I know I'm stubborn, selfish, proud with you I even out but you're leavin' now then there's the pain that only leaves me when you stay and when it's sweet, you know exactly what I need you can't be real because I can't trust how I feel it's just too warm that there's an eye inside your storm but you won't deal with something that has no appeal and so you'll go and turn this high into a low and I know I'm stubborn, selfish, proud with you I even out but you're leavin' now - I know I'm stubborn, selfish, proud with you I even out but you're leavin' now
3.
washed out 02:26
it could take up your time like marijuana it could settle your fears and I'm scared that I'm gonna say a piece of my brain I know I ought to just keep to myself, baby I don't want to waste time making money just to die in my sleep from old age, with nobody sick of walking behind the milk and honey I'm just trying to find the right route to keep walking do I want to wash you out of my mouth or do I want to be washed out you can model your life on television you can live for a lie all the while you're peddling 'em you can shell out your heart to make a living by laying it all on the line, mama I don't want to sound sad when I'm heaving just to find the right tie to the hope I keep weaving I don't want to sound too disbelieving by leaving you that as a sign just to walk on I don't want to wash you out of my mouth and I don't want to be washed out it could take up your time like heavy breathing when you lie on your back, in the dark, hearing me leaving you could tell me to stay instead of freezing by keeping it all to yourself, baby I don't want to waste time when I'm dreaming of being the one that makes your sleep-scheme uneven when you're through making minds go careening I'm just hoping you'll want to hold hands and keep walking I don't want to wash you out of my mouth and I don't want to be washed out you could take up your time like marijuana you could settle your fears and I'm scared that I'm gonna say a piece of my brain I know I ought to just keep to myself, baby I don't want to waste time making money just to die in my sleep from old age, with nobody sick of walking behind the milk and honey I'm just trying to find the right route
4.
there's something in your eyes that makes their weak teeth grin there's something on their minds that makes them reek with sin there's nothing they can offer you to make them win and they'll take it out on you until you're dead within but I'm sure that you'll tell them how to flaunt their cold, embittered hearts without pretending and I'm sure that you'll sell them a better way of ending be wary - I'm a lot like those who've come before though I won't show up with an ax if you lock your door so I'll come and find you when you tell me you want more you'll stop when not enough becomes a guided tour I'm sure that you'll tell me how to flaunt my cold, embittered heart without pretending I'm sure that you'll sell me a better way of ending
5.
deadline 01:31
I'm sick of working in a place where everyone has to be the same and when my manager comes in, he's got to read my name-tag to know my fucking name I'll get your coffee, I'll get your fries can I get you a side of bullshit to go with those deep-fried lies? I'm sick of worrying if I will ever make a living off of me so I'm putting it all on a page, and I'll record the broken image to CD I'll get a contract to be a jerk, but it's better than having to put up with all of this bullshit work I don't want to have a lot of friends if a friendship is based on kissing ass as they high-five me at the bar they whisper to each other as I pass just shut the fuck up and buy your shot and don't you talk about me if your shit-job's all you've got I'm going to die at thirty-five if I don't try to change my cyclic ways I don't see the point to stay alive if my dreams will just come with me to my grave so go ahead with your robot job and turn and just dismiss me as a deadbeat, loser, slob
6.
loosen up 01:39
7.
convenience 02:22
you want me near you when it's convenient to be my friend you want to hold my hand when you need it you're offering so I shouldn't take offense when you scheme-flip and tell me I'm the one who means most but you don't mean it so tell me when you'll be there for me and you'll see clear you'll see you think I'm being dumb but I've seen this so many times I'm not just wrapped-up in your completeness your frozen mind your stubborn-headedness is deceiving stop acting kind so I will love you when it's convenient I'll tell you when and you'll be there for me and you'll see clear you'll see and I'll be there for me then you'll see clear you'll see
8.
airlock 02:35
spying your collective buenos vistos from afar and pinning you beneath machine's hand-crafted eyelids you never made something from nothing you never made nothing these beaches have no shores the ardor of your predilection is the preface of extinction to stop doing everything, it's simple, just stop paying your attention if you look around, we're sinking so I will build an airlock around me and jettison everything I don't need I will stay in my escape pod and let no one see Just when I think I have the things I need cupped neatly in my hands they seem to shift right through my fingers I know my mind is strong but thinking doesn't help me understand why I can't make good feelings linger I will build an airlock around me and jettison everything I don't need I will take them in my escape pod and let no one leave and let no one leave and let no one leave
9.
the prodigy 01:58
Well, people have been sayin' there's this kid who's got a way of singin', playin', make 'em do what he say doesn't matter who the critic - make a skeptic optimistic gonna turn into star any day he has a halo around elicits sounds that glow if he don't die, and has a real go he gonna turn everybody's lights low gonna change the world with his rock n' roll well, the parents started talkin', "what's this idol think he's startin', does he think he'll take our daughters and leave?" they didn't even listen, so they couldn't understand that this was somethin' that was out of their league he has a halo around elicits sounds that glow if he don't die, and has a real go he gonna turn everybody's lights low gonna change the world with his rock n' roll so I went into the city tryin' to check out his act, sayin', "who this little punk think he be?" when I seen him he was somethin' that nobody could touch and he was doing things nobody could see he has a halo around elicits sounds that glow if he don't die, and has a real go he gonna turn everybody's lights low gonna change the world with his rock n' roll
10.
what I need 01:28
on the road, the passing faces take me past familiar places when I was a younger sort of seed, yes indeed the wiley ways of troubles passed, the forcast, shadows, aftermath, they show me where to be and they know just what I need on the road, the steps I walk, the mouths, eyes, nose, ears - sealed with caulk, convulse in many changing rates of speed, can't you see the pitch-ash sprays of rotting spit pollute the air I'm speaking with the show me where to breathe and they know just what I need some suggest the coming rain could carry with it untold pain, but they can't tell a trolley from a tree, darlin', please and so unless I speak my mind, these untold ancient tales of mine will vanish with the breeze 'cause I know just what I need
11.
muerte mente 01:58
A big hat floats on your fat head, happy and strange, but the little monkey doesn't eat, the little monkey doesn't see, the eyes of the monkey are blind. Lover, you are weak and strange and fake and happy. Your head is big. Your mind is dead. Your head is big. Your mind is dead.
12.
I can crawl 02:20
you want me to become something that I can't see becoming and you think what I sing means nothing, but you know, I can see you humming and you know what you're missing, honey but instead you'll be kissing money and you'll threaten to steal my sunbeam take the one thing that leaves me something take it all, I don't need a thing I can crawl, you can keep my wings take my heart, I'll give you all I can but I can't part with what makes me a man
13.
replay 02:11
you sob when you remember that day, it was so tragic and terrible so why would you want to replay and relive it, if it was so unbearable you will destroy everything around you you put yourself there, but you aren't bound to your open-ended stories end up with you as the victim, but you paint yourself in corners, and cut all ties when your numbers up you will destroy everything around you you make yourself sick, but you aren't bound to your darkest parts are showing, I can see through the cracks in the wall put up and when the good starts growing, you will smash it until it stops you will destroy everything around you you don't see that you can feel how you want to you want to you want to you want to you want to
14.
pumpkinhead 02:03
old grey lady grabbed a knife and carved a pumpkin head people came from miles around to see what his face said it had no message written for the masses, poignant and ideal, inscribed right on that pumpkin head was something more surreal, and it read: "I'm glad to be a squash if human beings don't feel. I'm not as empty as the people who aren't real. I may be a pumpkin head, words may be my face but at least I know my fucking place," now pumpkin's rotted out, there's nothing to be seen and that lady won't come out until next Halloween when next years pumpkin spills its guts you best be sure you read the words that she writes on his face might just be what you need, it might say: "I'm glad to be a squash if human beings don't feel. I'm not as empty as the people who aren't real. I may be a pumpkin head, and words may be my face but at least I know my fucking place,"
15.
you won't be young forever but you'll be old and bitter if, when your bones get brittle you're still looking in the mirror you can't have cold disinterest when you're holding hands and kissing don't speak too much to miss when you should just shut up and listen and you sound like everyone who's coming-to do you think that you're the only one who's going to you can be numb forever and find your earths are heavens but while you're being clever you're missing all life's best lessons you're folding hands and praying but you don't know what you're saying there can't be a condition during an act of contrition you sound like everyone who's coming-to do you think that you're the only one who's going to you won't be young forever but you'll be old and bitter if, when your bones get brittle you're still looking in the mirror you can't have cold disinterest when you're holding hands and kissing don't speak too much to miss when you should just shut up
16.
stay 01:57
now that I've got you here will it all seem clear now I got you to stare what else is out there now I got you to see your eyes are crushing me will I get you to say that you want me to stay with a heart like a stone you're best left alone I'm trying to figure me in but you won't let me win bets come and leave broken heart on sleeve what I'm trying to say is that I want you to stay
17.
I know you never gave a damn about me and so I kept pushing - look what it brought me you're really plucking on my heart's bent harp it's strings are all broken - look what you started and when you finish mopping up excuses waving from windows, jumping from bushes maybe someday you'll remember me the way I once was before you destroyed me if I see you around will you still be amid the garbage falling from your mouth you don't even know how living without you has made a terrorists' affect on me I don't even flinch now - I hope you can see why and eventually when you get older you won't get a letter saying, "I told you," and maybe then you will remember me the way I once was before you destroyed me if I see you around, will you still be
18.
"you're like a book I've already read I hate you, go away I don't want to look at what you said I just want to say say say say say say I don't want to know you at all I don't want to see your great fall I think it happened already and I'm missing a party, so I've got to go"
19.
you wait to drink till it's after dark because its late and it doesn't matter and you don't think that I can read your thoughts but I can't hate them, because you have them giving time can only crowd your clock you only take them when you want them feeling fine until you blow your top and you ain't fakin' when you're frownin fleeing the lift you want to put yourself inside a prison cell free is the gift if you want to use it you can let yourself be well leave it alone if when it makes you sick you can't get through it me is the home you can come down to when you know you're losing touch me only when you need my touch I don't waste it when you grab me and what I say doesn't matter much yo, I can fake it - that I'm happy I always ache when I see your cuts I'm not ashamed to have a heart still when you're breaking I could be your crutch if it's a game then we're at a stand-still fleeing the lift you want to put yourself inside a prison cell free is the gift if you want to use it you can let yourself be well leave it alone if when it makes you sick you can't get through it me is the home you can come down to
20.
done 03:07
it seems like all my plans are useless drained of my creative juices designed around the curse of flesh the tissue I pulled back instead of working hard at shoulders cried-on someone that you could rely on heart wrung dry and you're still crying eye to eye can't see I'm trying I can't be a sheep in pasture saying after ending that you're done sighing, holding hands are wringing you don't hear the thoughts I'm singing you can't feel my heart expanding never know the words I'm chanting all the things I see in beauty know and love her, perfect to me icy forms to hold a flame for nothing as you stake the claim you're done I will always love the way you hurt me then make it okay to the blade you swing to cut my heart up ending things you never started you'll always have a place, my lover, wasting time to write another song about conditions to you you don't care what it means, do you done with being blamed for nothing done collecting scars and rusting done absorbing your depression done being someone's possession done refracting ultimatums done distracting you from making your life what you want it to be acting like it's nothing to me done
21.
bankroll 01:32
I'll blow the whole bankroll, I'll be my own boss give out the good grace at whatever the cost when you need a hanger, a retainer for adhering bloody skins to, you can look to me I'm getting my feet wet, I'm settling in I'll chew my own arm off, I'll peel back my skin if you ever see through, I'll believe you fetch a refill, I'll will feed you you can count on me I'll win by a landslide, I'll set my own pace I'll build a new cult with the things I embrace if you let the fear through, get me near you if you need these ears to hear you do the same for me
22.
make me weak 02:12
you stare you can look you can blink you can call me insane but you're pissing me off you can glare you can gawk you can't think you can call me a name but I'm calling your bluff I got everything you need just listen to me speak mama don't be greedy you'll never make me weak you can cry you can sob you can break you can butter me up but you're breaking me down You can sigh you can throb you can wink you can't mutter enough when you're taking my crown I got everything you need just listen to me speak mama don't be greedy you'll never make me weak
23.
we watch our shores receding can't keep our whores from breeding its a season of depression we'll never learn our lesson sugar teething babies they don't need our maybes they'll be long dead and gone before they realize we were wrong sweet peaches in a gel it's easy road into hell join the forces to learn to lust after bombshells grams and gramps are sighing their grandkids are trying to be the best they can be imitate what's on tv moms and dads are waiting to hell with neilson ratings we need to stand up and fight or we will never make things right sweet peaches in a gel it's an easy road into hell join the forces to learn to lust after bombshells lie detector testing time to start protesting get off your lazy asses wipe the fog off of your glasses be a good example don't sell your semen sample instill the morals in children it's the only way that we'll win

about

Recorded over the course of several years, even out is the product of one man's headfirst blind descent into extremely introverted songwriting, and primarily addresses the all-too common themes of love and loss, insecurity and jealousy, despair and lust, drinking too much, anticipation, hope, longing, and working in the food-service industry. All that type of shit. It's the kind of album that jocky broh doods will secretly cry to when they're alone and young teenage girls accidentally crash their cars listening to. If you don't like it, well, tell your enemies.

credits

released January 1, 2007

Mark Z. Ciarleglio - everything

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Esoteric Tapioca Chicago

My name is Mark. This is my music project. I live in Chicago and play shows around town at galleries and cafes and basements and lofts and ballrooms and communes. I make all this music myself. Sometimes people help me too. All the songs are written and recorded by me. I hope you like it. ... more

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