whatever I love you

by Esoteric Tapioca

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credits

released January 1, 2009

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about

Esoteric Tapioca Chicago

My name is Mark. This is my music project. I live in Chicago and play shows around town at galleries and cafes and basements and lofts and ballrooms and communes. I make all this music myself. Sometimes people help me too. All the songs are written and recorded by me. I hope you like it. ... more

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Track Name: oh, the hoops
anyone who's ever met you
just falls in love with you
they think they're really gonna get you
oh, the hoops you've got 'em jumpin' through

always the same - another game
you really are that cool
I can't complain,
it's such a shame:
I'm just another fool

anyone who's ever met you
just falls in love with you
I often wish I could forget you.
If you're real, I wish I never knew.

aways the same - another game
you really are that cool
I can't complain,
it's such a shame:
I'm just another fool

anyone who's ever met you
just falls in love with you
And they would worship and protect you,
if you'd only let them get through.

aways the same - another game
you really are that cool
I can't complain,
it's such a shame:
I'm just another fool.. to you.
Track Name: eft up
you're not allowed to watch tv
it's made you turn away from me
I'm thinking of my hand/your face
I miss you when I masturbate

I feel like my heart
is not really a heart at all
I hear it only when I fall

I want you to stay
to see that I don't fuck it up
if can I even fuck at all

I saw you on the street today
you turned and looked the other way
I'm not a goddamned parasite
the shit you do - it's not polite

I feel like the score
is not really that hard to call
so why the fuck am I appalled

I wish you could see
the way am am inside my skull
'cause I ain't really all that dull

you've got important things to do
I won't be spending time with you
you're busy with your school and work
no time to spend fucking a jerk

and I feel like a heart
is not really that hard at all
I hear it only when I fall

I want you to stay
and see if I don't fuck up
if I can even fuck at all
Track Name: nothing like me
when you're with me, I'm really not myself
you seem to be in love with someone else

it's not so hard to see why that might be
the ones you love are nothing like me

when you're around, I'm never thirsty
when I'm with you I act absurdly

it's not so hard to see why that might be
the ones you love are nothing like me

I love my life, but it could be better
the girl I love, I'll never get her

It's not so hard to see why that might be
the ones she loves are nothing like me
Track Name: ought
I'll show you all where you ought to be
I put my soul where my heart should be

I give it all and its all for free
I take the fall like the taller trees

I'll close my mouth and count out to three
I put the loud where the sound should be

I'll make the call to the holy see
I'll put the jest in the majesty

I take the cast of the mask you need
I make my task what I want to be

I break the clouds just to rain on me
I take the dive to the deepest sea

I'll take your ache - move the pain on me
I'll take the sting from the meanest bee

I'm staying out like an absentee
I'm soaking in like a new trainee

I'll take your mind on a timeless spree
I'll make my rhyme start to make you see
Track Name: watch me
You want a soul? I'll sell you one if I can find a soul to sell.
I'll surely tell you, if when a soul should come along - you'll get the call, I'll sell them all, I'll go through hell too.

the mysteries will blister me my head will freeze you're hands and knees its stupid easy, watch me

right when your soulless shell came in, I knew the stink of sin, and said, "hey, here comes consumer,"
and when I stick my lenses in, you simpletons wanting the in - you think you'll get in?

the histories the scissored keys the mirror leads the wearer sees, its stupid easy watch me

You mothers soaking up your suns, you've drawn the gun, and sapped the fun, we're done, delivered
You've gone and granted evil ones total control - you set the whole tone, the veil is lifted


The murder scenes - the babies scream - the tattered seams.
manifest dreams! its stupid easy, watch me.
Track Name: build up
they'll stand you up
right before they stare you down
and when and if you do wake up
you won't feel you missed that much

they'll build you up
right before they break you down
the benefit of beating blood
is a better fit for being loved

unfold your arms
you have nothing hard to hide
even if your plans are worn
you admit your hands are warm

if these fleeting thoughts
reach you when I'm hard to find
I just want to do my part
I know I can't have your heart
Track Name: leave at thinking
I kind of hope that you don't think It's creepy
that when you aren't kissing me, I think about us kissing
The sound our lips make when we get so sleepy
I think you've got the rythm that I must be missing

and you don't have to say anything
you don't have to do anything
If you don't mind
then that's just fine with me

I say the things I think most people leave at thinking
but you're the perfect reason for exploiting all my feelings
I realize I sound like someone who's been drinking
but I don't need a drink- you get my whole mind reeling

and you don't have to say anything
you don't have to do anything
If you don't mind
then that's just fine with me

and you don't have to say anything
you don't have to do anything
If you go blind
then that's just fine with me

If you don't die
then that's just fine
Track Name: worth the wait
even though the symptoms are the same,
we compensate in different ways.
I'll put it all out there anyway,
'cause I know it's worth the fucking wait.

even if I speak, what can I say?
I'd rather weep than keep it safe.
yeah, you should leave - why would you wait?
that's what I reap for being brave.

I hope the end is coming
the buildings will be crumbling
it'll all fall apart
'cause when the world is ending
you can stop pretending
that you still have a heart.

if I could breathe, I'd be okay;
but when you're near me, I get the shakes.
I'll turn either cheek, what will it take
to get what I seek: the perfect shape?

even though our symptoms are the same,
we compensate in different ways.
I'll put it all out there anyway,
'cause I know you're worth the fucking wait.
Track Name: one track mind
heart's hitting the roof
its a strange place for endings

you got a tattoo
when I left the pretending

it's not like I mind, and of course I want to see you
we're two of a kind, but babe I could never be you

you won't go home - can't sleep alone
without your one track mind

I don't want to tell you no
I got a one track mind
a one track mind

take it slow - we can take our time
you got a one track mind
a one track mind

if you seek,well you might just find
you got a one track mind
a one track mind

have a drink, baby, whats your sign?
I got a one track mind
a one track mind

you showed up in the nick of time
with your one track
your one track mind

you won't go home - can't sleep alone
without your one track mind

I don't want to tell you no
I got a one track mind
a one track mind
Track Name: calendar
you'd pay any price
you wouldn't think twice
to sell out your friends
to be a part
you looked pretty nice
you wasted my time
your heart isn't hung like a calendar
your solitude
is over due
your better part's
your attitude
you came across
like your a jerk
and now you want
this thing to work?
you baited your lies
like sticky to flies
you made up your mind
to lose it all
you set off to trade
the person you made
for a couple of days
to prove you'll fall
Track Name: have my sleeve
I don't feel as tall when I'm looking up and see it's sunny
someone's bound to fall, sure, the road gets hard if you keep running
its always someones fault
sure, it's fine to laugh when its not funny
I just feel it all
and I know you're bright I see your stunning.

I'm offering my sleeve
(it's a little cluttered)
I don't quite believe
if I'm really here - are you really real?

You aren't here at all, but will you respond if I keep talking?
I'd rather snore alone, then to trip and fall at night sleep walking.
you don't have to call, I can talk to you in my head making you up as I fall.
Its the purity that I keep shaking.

you don't have to call
you don't have to call
you don't have to call
Track Name: he will never do
we all need our validations
lewdly posing selfish rations
through the portal of your lenses
showing off the the thing you think you fear

I've been telling you for years that I will love you more than he will ever hope to know
because my darling, I am standing here,
next to you.

breathing in the air around you

touching you.

loving you

the things he'll never do.

he will never do.

I have made my preparations, and you've dumped out your libations
not the same as you once lied when half asleep half drunk half died

when I found out I wasted all my breath confessing how I've never felt
a oneness when it's there it's worth the other hellishness you hide

next to you.

breathing in the air around you

touching you.

loving you

the things he'll never do.

he will never do.
Track Name: clouds
when I see one floating by,
I'll think of you, emit a sigh
and I'll hold your memory as high
as cirrocumulative types

in the fog you leave behind
a mist that is so pure and fine
and it's covered every thought that I
keep dormant in my selfish mind

and I'm sorry,
oh, am I sorry.
Track Name: at 17
at seventeen, while I still had the scent of jesus on me
you should've seen me try to mark my territory boundaries
now look at me, and tell me you're prepared for something better
my stupid dreams just ceased to be now so it doesn't matter

and, to appease,
thieves things keep pouring out my sleeves
I sing to see forgotten dreams I used to use
to make me who I need to be

at seventeen, you only think you know what you'll be doing
you never learn to see inside to shake the hand you're screwing
and as you age, the dirty filter you look through gets rotten
another page to diagnose the many ills you've gotten

and, to appease,
thieves things keep pouring out my sleeves
I sing to see forgotten dreams I used to use
to make me who I need to be
Track Name: disclaimers
I said my farewells and I set out to making my way toward the west
I put on my gloves and my hat and 3 layers and you know the rest
It's never been easy the homesickly feeling that makes me depressed
but heart's where the home is, and I won't be lonely I've made it with less

There may be a million more miles to travel before I can safely decide to unravel
and put up my feet by the fire and take off my shoes for a spell
and find the desire to stay in one place I call home in this hell
and bid a warm welcome to whomever finds their way into my walls
for now I'm just happy to spend my time waving goodbye to them all

There may be a million more miles to travel before I can plant my feet firm in the gravel
I know why you told me to leave my heart home when I come to your arms
you don't want me getting uptight or upset when you turn off your charms
I've known from the start, so it's not like you needed disclaimers at all
what hurts is the part that you've planned in advance not to let yourself fall
Track Name: white light
tiny little white slivers of light
spinning around you when I hear you when I'm near
tiny slivers of white light the likes which I've never seen,
I've never been so happy in my high life
I've never been so full of something I can't say
I know I've never felt so loved for what I am
you've given me another name to say.
Track Name: head to feet
when we first met, it was more than skipped beats -
the chill came in waves, from my head to my feet
though I knew right away you were out of my reach.
my one perfect match isn't perfect for me.

I'm more alive, now I know you exist,
although part of me died when I found out the twist
all the right things about you - too many to list
though I can't ever have it, I know what love is.
Track Name: swim down
this city's streets are layered
with the wasted let downs
pointless crumbled emptiness
it's all just too run down

lets go start a fire
lets go burn it down
we'll call each other liar
and tie these nooses all around our necks

swim down until we drown
until the sirens are the only sound

I know I sound defeatest
I'm prob'ly spacing out
I guess I really haven't noticed how its phased me. wow.

I'll go brew some coffee
I might go smoke a butt
I might go in the bathroom, grab a razor, pick a vein and cut

swim down until I drown
until the sirens are the only sound
Track Name: angels and demons
you go on down to your palace and
I am the clown while you play pretend
there were angels and demons and
the mystical shadows they're shouded in
you were dreamin' out loud again
tell me oh, tell me please, how's it end
I'm just thinking aloud old friend,
please let me know when you want to spend

time with your flesh and your soul and your heart
time is the one thing that keeps us apart.

so I'm writing it down today,
take what you want to, I've had my say
all the the times that I'm thinking of
the drunk fool confesses to his true love
I can't help it, it's all I know,
I hear you shrugging now,
even though
I'm not trying to keep you still,
the bees that once buzzed will lay silent till

time with your flesh and your soul and your heart
time is the one thing that keeps us apart.
Track Name: leave with me
It keeps me up when I'm alone and your asleep
you could be right here in my arms and still be out of reach

I'm sure there's lots of people just like this
I still can't understand just what my fucking problem is

why can't you see
that what you need is me

If you have to leave,
would you leave with me

I don't want to believe
that you think you need to be
with someone who doesn't want to make you happy

you turn it on and shut it off at will
your wrist has got an order that I need to fill

It's pointless chasing fruitless fantasy
you'll never understand just what you mean to me

why can't you see
that what you need is me

If you have to leave,
would you leave with me

I don't want to believe
that you think you need to be
with someone who doesn't want to make you happy

why can't you see
that what you need is me

If you have to leave,
why don't you leave with me

It's just that I believe that you deserve to be
with someone who only wants to make you happy.
Track Name: the way
it's fairly clear that you wanted to be here.
you mixed up black and white and now you see that gray.

there's lots to fear, but never when I am near.
I'll never let you come to ever be that way.

I don't feel lost. I'm keeping my fingers crossed.
you're always there in my thoughts, whenever I'm alone.

you have a way.
you always know what to say.
you make me spend every day in such a warmer tone.

it's very dark inside the space you once kept a heart,
and it's never easy to start when see that way.

it's such a lark - your bite is worse than your bark.
I can't believe you won't let yourself see me that way.

I don't feel lost. I'm keeping my fingers crossed.
you're always there in my thoughts whenever I'm alone.

you got away.
you always know what to say.
you make me spend every day in such a warmer tone.
Track Name: a good touch
how you make your decisions
isn't simple, you want something new
sure you have your misgivings
you don't mind them, they're OK by you

if you want a reaction
well this is one, and I hope you hear
if I'm just a distraction,
our attraction isn't worth a tear

and I thought I felt warm rays of shining golden light upon me
but that's stupid, and of course I know it's only coming from me.

If I thought you were perfect,
well I'm sorry, I guess I was wrong
but I guess it was worth it
you'll regret it, when you hear this song

girl my heart is a diamond
but it's coarse and see - the cut is rough
and I know when to tell you
though you've obviously had enough

and I thought I felt warm rays of shining golden light upon me
but that's stupid, and of course I know it's only coming from me.
Track Name: whatever I love you
I'm not very strong
and not very smart
I wrote you this song
I guess that's a start

I like when you talk
I like how you see
where ever you are
'swhere I want to be

I'm doing okay
my thinking is clear
but when you're away
I wish you were here

you want me to leave,
I want you to stay
you'll never believe
what I have to say

you do what you have to
I do what I love to
you do what you want to
whatever, I love you.